Crisis averted... Last night my mini binge seemed to make me drop 0.8 of a lb. Well, I am definitely not complaining. Progress so far looks like this:
Day 1: 143.6lbs
Day 2: 142.6lbs
Day 3: 142.8lbs
Day 4: 142.0lbs
Last night, something funny happened to me. At about half eleven, whilst talking to Tina, I suddenly got very depressed. I think in part it was down to the fact that I'd been on a semi-manic high after finishing my English coursework, but also because we started talking about Rebecca. Apparently she contacted another girl who she's friends with (whom none of us really like) and told her she's not coming back this year. And everyone seemed to know about this apart from me. Maybe it wasn't a depressed feeling, I don't know... more like this really uneasy feeling in my stomach that felt like dread, or hurt, or anger, or... something. I felt, of course, hurt and angry that she hadn't texted me since I left her a message saying I'd got out of hospital - and that was over two months ago. No one (or as far as I was aware) had heard a peep out of her since February, when she was going seriously off the rails again. I guess I knew somewhere that it would be unlikely for her to show her face for the last 6 weeks of school, especially since she's repeating the year in Autumn and has no obligation to take a single exam. She'd said she was going to take one to keep her from going insane, but I take it she went back on that decision. Anyway, it just hurt that she hadn't texted me even to ask if I was OK, if I was keeping out of hospital and whether or not I was still alive for crying out loud. I've always done the same for her. We were like, joined at the hip. And I started thinking, does she even miss me? Does she even want to know me anymore? Or is she so far gone, we don't even enter her mind? What does she do all day, now she has no duties, no friends? It made me sad and angry. And then the worst bit. She was always trying to drag me down with her, towards the end. She said she wished I wouldn't go to uni this Autumn so that she wouldn't be alone in London for a year. And I always thought, well, I never signed up for a competitive friendship, but I'm going to beat her. I'm going to prove that I have purpose, drive, focus. The determination to get out of this place and start my life, even though I've been so dreadfully ill, and even though I've missed more school than she has. But no. She's won. She gets to be 103 lbs, She gets to sit here for another year and rub her hands together in glee when she finds out I'm NOT going away this year. Just like her. And I felt so ANGRY, like I'd lost, lost the worst, most cruel, unfair competition out there. I'm already upset and resentful that I don't get to be a student this year. The fact that Rebecca always secretly wanted me to 'fail' at that just added fuel to the fire. I didn't cry. I let this peculiar, nasty feeling wash over me as I sat in bed and said goodbye to my friend. Then I had to do something - just anything - to get this monkey off my back. I ended up staying awake till 3 watching old episodes of My So-Called Life to distract me. It worked. A little miracle called escapism happened.
And this morning, I feel tons better. I've slept well, the number on the scale's gone down, and even though I won't be on target for 140 lbs tomorrow, I feel OK about it.
S: Mango, passion fruit & goji berry smoothie 120 kcal
L: Celery & grape salad with Russian dressing 200 kcal
S: Orange & carrot juice 136 kcal
D: Couscous with peppers, onions & petit pois 400 kcal
T: 1106 kcal
And I'm going to be finishing my English language coursework which hopefully won't be too hard on me. I've only got 600 more words to write so praying I'll breeze through it! And no eating after 8 o'clock tonight as I have an early start and I don't want to feel bloated for the casting.
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