143.6 lbs.

So I'm the same weight that I was straight after Easter weekend, which was almost two weeks ago. I'm also the same weight that I was straight after I came out of hospital, which was exactly two months ago. Fuck my life.

I love how when I came out of hospital I felt so thin at 143 lbs, and everyone in my family couldn't stop telling me how thin I looked. Haha. Now I feel like a fucking whale at 143 lbs, and I don't look 'thin' at all. It doesn't suit me anymore. I look way too curvy and totally 'average', like I don't really care about my body.

It's quarter to 12 in the morning and I haven't eaten yet, because I don't feel hungry in the slightest. What the damn hell is the point in eating if I don't even feel hungry for it? Surely that's just being greedy.

When I do feel hungry, I'll have a coffee or walk to the shops to get myself a big carrot, orange and ginger smoothie. I'm not even going to be counting calories anymore. I'm just going to eat as if I don't have all the time in the world for food, naturally and intuitively. Food is NOT my first priority at the moment, or at least it shouldn't be. I will eat when my stomach starts gnawing at me and stop when it is satisfied. A trick most of our modern-day society has never learned, or at least they've ignored it.

I would be quite happy never to count a single calorie again, actually. All it leads me to is misery and self-hatred. That kind of intense manic control - then out-of-control - is not good for my head right now. I need a simple trick, that I can stick to, and then I will begin to feel more stable and happy. At the moment, I keep having these bouts of extreme happiness followed by despair, which is absolutely NOT healthy and leads me into dark places. So I'm going to see how this goes for a while, concentrate on my work, and then when it's truly time for me to think about food, my hunger pangs will remind me. Until that point, food is meaningless and might as well not exist for all I care.