Day 1

Yesterday was... interesting. The first day I hadn't been with Alfie, and suddenly the reality of it struck me. Guilt. Terrible guilt. I cried about it to my mother like the 12 year old I am and she said I was a highly moral person and that I shouldn't feel bad; me and Alfie liked each other, and sometimes these things happen. She also made the point that all was not going well between Charlie and Alfie, so it wasn't like I had meddled in a seriously intense relationship and 'persuaded' Alfie away from Charlie. My mum is awesome, really she is. But I still felt guilty.

In the evening I knew that Alfie and Tina were having drinks and a catch-up and wanted me to come, but I started feeling really fearful about everything on top of the guilt. As I got dressed in front of the mirror, the relationship-phobic side of me began freaking out big time.

I can't believe you've fucked this up with one of the closest friends you've ever had.
Everything was great between you two and then you had to kiss him. Just like you kissed every other guy you've ever known.
But this is different. I actually like this guy. I actually want him. That's rare for me. I should seize the opportunity. 
Fuck fuck fuck, I can't deal with this pressure. What if it's all ruined?
Charlie wasn't giving him emotional stability... I was giving that. Now all I'm good for is sex, while the two of them break up and work on their friendship... friendships always last longer than sex...
Shit I don't know what I'm doing.
I hate relationships.
But this isn't even a relationship.
But it's dangerous territory, no?
This guy actually wants to SLEEP with you. And you want to sleep with him. Threat threat threat threat threat male complex coming in oh god oh god I'm so screwed I hate this I'm scared men are evil men are evil men are evil ........

The above demonstrates a typical example of the thought processes I was having yesterday before I left the house. I almost didn't leave the house, but I made myself go, because in my experience, when you don't face things head on, they just bubble up under the surface and over time, small worries turn into huge panics and if I'd left it any longer I think my head would have exploded from curiosity as to whether or not I still liked him and wanted to kiss him every time I saw him. I had two very strong drinks before I vacated my room, and was semi-drunk by the time I turned up at Tina's. Drinking on an empty stomach for the win.

Needless to say, when I actually got there, and I saw Alfie, who was clean-shaven, messy-haired, wearing this adorable long sleeved navy jumper, and drinking straight vodka in Tina's egg chair, my resolve crumbled. It's a good thing I can keep a straight face because the amount of euphemisms that cropped up that night - that could so easily have related to things we'd been doing over the weekend - was ridiculous. All night, every second Tina stepped out of the room to get something we would immediately gravitate towards each other to snatch a kiss before she came back in. During the film we watched, his hands found my hand and he locked fingers around my fingers.
   
The minute we left the flat and the lift door closed, we were on each other in 10 seconds flat, kissing, pushing each other up against the walls, it was like something you see in a film that is romantic and sexy and hilarious all at the same time.

He didn't come back to mine because I had an early appointment at the passport office this morning to renew my passport (NB: I missed this). Tonight, he is seeing Charlie over dinner (NB2: she's been texting me telling me how excited she is about this for ages) to break up with her.

God, sometimes my life really is like a hilarious sitcom.

I got an accurate reading this morning as I woke up way earlier than usual (but not early enough because I am a lazy excuse for a girl). 142.6. Hot, really hot. But it's gonna change! Honestly, I'm getting back into the mindset, I can feel it. I've decided that I want to be maximum 140 lbs before I do 'anything else' with Alfie. I know he doesn't care and I won't look any different, but it's just a psychological/confidence thing, you know? Then I want to be low 130s by the time I go away mid-July. 128 isn't feasible at this rate.

Food on the cards today, judging by what's in the fridge:
Fresh orange juice. Coffee. Hoummous and a few chips. Hoi sin duck spring rolls.

I also have to go furniture shopping later (hooray... but at least it's a time for me to hang out with my sister). Will try to resist getting food afterwards.