First successful day in a while

I've finally found a low-calorie drink (besides holy diet coke) that I actually like. I don't know about you lot but I actually can't stand energy drinks in general, the taste just really doesn't appeal to me. Anything that tastes like red bull is a no-no. I perused the drinks section in my local supermarket and found this drink called Neurotrim. It's non-carbonated, 37 calories, comes in a fancy purple bottle (and is therefore a little more expensive than your regular cold drink) and lists Konjac fibre and green tea as its main ingredients. It's delicious and I will definitely be buying more of it, maybe to wean myself off the terrible diet soda habit.

Also - I didn't realise how filling red cabbage is. It's ridiculous. My mother cooked a huge batch this morning and it is absolutely exquisite with onions, apples and a bit of balsamic vinegar. Super healthy too.

I still haven't felt like seeing anyone. My weight is too high for me to feel comfortable enough to just chill with my friends and be myself. The truth is, I'm not myself at this weight. Maybe I am my lesser self or my old self... but my 'new' self only feels right in the 130s. Once I go over the 10 stone mark I begin to feel disgraceful. I have Thursday Friday Saturday Sunday to feel like myself again and then I go away. The passport stuff is coming together - well, I am praying, anyway. 

Oh and I forgot to mention! Yesterday Alfie surprise knocked on my door, I'd pretty much been vague all day while texting him and trying to deflect from my incontestable misery... but it didn't work. He reads me as easily as a children's picture book. I had a mini cry on his shoulder and then sat on his lap for about half an hour while he made me giggle. He also bought me sweets because he knows I have a massive soft spot for them, but they're currently stashed at the back of the kitchen cupboard so I don't scoff them all. 

We are considering sleeping together (we have done a lot of other stuff but not that yet), but I don't know if I am in a good place to have sex before I go away for 2 weeks. I would actually rather wait until I get back in August and am in a better headspace. Right now I would probably just use sex to numb everything out which isn't entirely healthy and I don't want to look back and think 'I used him' or 'I rushed it'. There is no pressure and we're fairly open about it so I'll explain this to him and I'm sure he will understand.

That's all kids, hoping to be back at 141 tomorrow, fingers crossed x

EDIT: Spoke too soon. Binge. Night weight: 145 lbs.