Sick of being sick

Up and down day. I managed to sleep from around 11pm last night to 11am this morning without waking up ONCE which was AMAZING. And when I woke up all the pressure and pain around my sinuses had virtually disappeared. I just had a sort of stuffy headache and a very bad cough that made me sound like an old man. But that was cool because every time I coughed I could feel my stomach muscles working. Is that fucked up? Probably.

Then at like 3pm I went on facebook just to check notifications, etc. And guess what. The bitch is back. You know how Rebecca disappeared off the face of the earth for five months? Fb account deleted, number changed, etc. No trace. She had mother fricking got a new account. I was so weirded out. I looked on her new page and she's added virtually everyone we know, except for us, her actual 'friends'. In her new profile picture, her face looked very thin but she didn't look particularly good per se which made me feel vaguely better about everything.

I was half-expecting pink hair, or 6 stone.

I hate how it's like this. I wish she didn't have this effect on me, making me feel scared and self-dubious and anxious and angry and hurt and yet ensorcelled all at once. I know im getting overly worked up about it. But that's what happens. One tiny movement from her and we all over-analyse to the max. What can one expect? I hear they call this 'ambiguous loss'. She died, but she didn't really die.

So that shook me up. I ended up bingeing on toast. Plate after plate after plate of it. All of my friends are out celebrating Bash's 18th and I feel so horribly left out. I can't go out and have fun. I can't drink. I can't smoke. I can't feel pretty or happy or sexy because I'm ill, and now obese from sitting at home eating all day long. I can't even leave my house for a walk because I feel dizzy 24/7 from all the meds. I'm sick of being sick.

I actually saw 139 on the scales this morning but I'm now convinced it was a fluke, as now when I step on I'm around 144.

Fuck that.

Oh and anyone who wants to know more about Rebecca - watch this film called 'My Summer of Love' starring Emily Blunt. Her character, 'Tasmin', who is like the embodiment of the poor little rich girl, could be based on Rebecca easily. Manipulative, deceitful, beautiful and spoilt, she leaves a trail of destruction everywhere she goes.