Day 2

Today I'm going to be good. Not really 'good', as the kids (Alfie, Caro, Tina) are coming round in 2 hours and I'm planning on getting fucked up. But I am going to stay under 1000 calories in food... I have to. This morning I weighed 143 neat. It's slowly creeping up, out of my control. Well I am going to get this under control. The weight gain I mean. It hit me that I have gained 8 lbs since the middle of study leave when I was crazy restricting, and it's a sickening feeling. The 8 lbs need to go before I leave, it's non-negotiable. I would be happy with 137 right now. Even 139. Just not in the 140s. Please not the dreaded 140s.

I'm only 13 lbs under my highest weight and that is an appalling feeling.

It's 3pm and I've already eaten this banana compote granola yogurt which was 203 calories, and some marshmallow sweets that we bought yesterday. I'm rounding that all up to 450 calories to be safe. Alcohol wise I am going to be drinking either rose wine or vodka seeing as I have half a 350ml bottle still in my bag from Tina's. I would just go for the vodka but I will probably kill my liver if I drink the whole thing and I think a few shots will be enough (with the lack of food) to get me where I want to be. Food wise... fuck we'll probably get pizza... but I really don't want to eat. I just want to get drunk. Alcohol makes me feel happier, better, calmer than food ever will. Alcohol and nicotine. If I can curtail my food consumption at 700 calories and have the remaining 300 in booze, I'll be content. I will be sure to lose on that.

My dad is coming to drop off the remaining stuff belonging to my sister and he wants to see me briefly. I will only be around for a 15 minute break with my friends here but I should see him before he leaves the country. This all makes me feel very sad.

I wish I could stop eating from the sadness.

I am also worried about Alfie. He isn't sleeping. He broke up with Charlie yesterday. She seems to be taking it fine judging from the chirpy text she sent me at 11pm last night rattling on about cheap travel around Europe.